Performance Review

It's been one year since I left my big girl corporate job. How are things looking.

It’s officially been one year since I decided to leave my big girl corporate job. I didn’t realize it was that date until my phone hit me with the “one year ago today” and a string of memes of me thinking of how I would break the news to the loyal meme slack channel that I loved so much. 

a true sign of the times...brat and Biden.

It’s been a whole year, and a lot has happened, and well, a lot hasn’t. I catch myself watching stories of my old coworkers on fun work trips pondering if I made the right choice or not, if this limbo I am in is worth it.

Let’s back track to how we got here...

I was working at my job for 3 ½ years. At the end of that time I was ultimately burnt out and it was time for me to move on. I was unhappy for a long time, like crying everytime I opened my computer unhappy and moving through the motions of what I thought I was supposed to be doing. There were things I loved about the job: the travel, the people, the opportunities to be creative, and let’s be honest, the financial stability, oh how I miss you financial stability. But the signs were there, I wasn’t learning anymore, I was frustrated, and I was incredibly depressed. 

One of the many facepalm Photo Booth pictures I had on my work computer.

Throughout those three years I somehow lost myself along the road. I stopped singing, stopped doing the things that I cared about because I thought “well this is good, people think this is good, so I must be good.” In our world it’s hard not to think that you’re in the right place when everyone tells you that you are, it’s easy to lose yourself in the comforts of someone elses dream. The shiny things would overshadow the bad, how can I be depressed in Miami?! But the glitz and glamour fade, and you’re left pondering slack messages at 3 am when you should be asleep. I was not doing well anymore, I didn’t really understand that burnout was real until I was so deep into it that I couldn’t get out anymore. 

Another work Photo Booth selfie on a work trip. In limbo but palm trees!

I was given a clean and easy out. A mutual breakup that felt like freedom when I heard it. My then boss (and a woman who I will forever love and admire) saw that this wasn’t the place for me to be in, I had to chase the dreams that I so clearly had out for myself. This is one of the things I am so grateful for, I felt cared for and grateful that someone else saw that the twinkle in my eye had to be saved. When I hung up the call I felt free. I felt a feeling of release that I hadn’t felt in years, I could breathe again. I called up my favorite coworkers and told them. Most of them were very sad to see my go but happy to see me go on to do better things. And truthfully, many of them left soon after. 

I’m a people pleaser and I pour a lot into the people I care about. I often wonder, “does anyone miss me?” Then again I have to remember, it’s just a job diva. No matter how much people will drill in “we’re like a family” we’re actually not. And the people who have stuck around mean the world to me. I will always be grateful for the beautiful connections I made through that job, and I know that whatever journeys we will go on, we will all be cheering for each other. 

So a year out. My performance review for this time. 

It’s been hard but it's been great. When I look at my bank account is when the anxiety creeps in. But I remind myself that the job market out there is tough for everyone. I will land where I need to be, and I am excited to take all of the things I learned for the next adventure, wherever that may be. 

Taking the time to figure out who I am and what makes me happy has been essential in my personal and professional growth. Without having to clock into a 9-5 I have been able to find my personal joy again. Who do I want to be in 5 years? And how do I get there? The sad thoughts didn’t leave once I closed my work laptop for good, but instead it gave me time to find the root of the problem and work through it. This is my quarterlife crisis, and I am lucky to be going through it with all of the resources and people around me. 

I started taking photos and acting again. That’s my real passion, my real true love. I got an agent (yay!) and fixed my long lost pentax (double yay!), having time to realign myself with my passions has been essential for me. I missed that Joana, and I am glad I am getting to know her again. 

I made new friends and lost old ones, but hey that’s the part of being 26. I have my whole life ahead of me, and the ones who come and go are just a part of my journey. I actually met my lovely boyfriend on my last day of work. Another door closes and another one really does open huh…

So it’s been a year and a lot has changed. The world keeps turning but I am liking how things look now. I am getting back to the root of who I am, and I know wherever I end up will be exactly where I am supposed to be. 

If you feel stuck where you are, change it. It’s okay to be uncomfortable and we owe it to ourselves to live out the lives that we want to live. It will never feel right to live out someone elses dreams. THE WORLD IS YOUR OYSTER!! 

If you feel like you’re in limbo you’re not alone, and it feels good knowing that this is all just a step in the right direction. 

To corporate sneaker girl Joana, I love you girl, it’ll all be okay. Thanks for being exactly who you were, now you are exactly where you need to be.